An old friend of mine recently sent me a picture of the pair of us back in our secondary school days, with a reminder about plans for a reunion after the Covid-19 pandemic. My friend was eager to reconnect with classmates long dropped off the radar and rediscover half-remembered gossip and stories. She was excited, but I know many people who refuse to go to any kind of reunion – even when they still live just down the road from the school in question.
In fact, ‘never go to your school reunion’ is one of the many pieces of advice given by Swiss-born philosopher Alain de Botton. The reason for this, he argues, is that the people you went to school with are the ones you are most similar to in life, in terms of background, age, prospects and of course education. And the more similar you are to someone, the more tempting it is to compare yourself to them, and in turn the easier it is to feel inadequate or jealous of them.
“The closer two people are – in age, in background, in the process of identification – the more there’s a danger of envy,” he said in a TED Talk about success. The reason for this is that we think if one person – perhaps a classmate – has the same upbringing as us, similar interests, a similar college education and a similar age, we believe that if they are now successful and we feel less so, then the reason for that difference is our own fault, rather than chance.
However, this is, of course, completely nonsensical. Quite apart from the fact that success cannot be easily compared from one person to another, and that we never know the realities of a life which looks ‘successful’ on the surface, more of life’s good outcomes are down to chance than anyone really recognises. It may feel as though that classmate has had exactly the same journey as us, but the reality is that there are a hundred different factors leading to that success which we are not aware of.
Alain de Botton explains that the egalitarian idea that anyone can achieve anything is relatively new, and that while it has many positive connotations it also leads to people comparing themselves to others who have had vastly different circumstances, and a huge amount of luck.
“Never before have expectations been so high about what human beings can achieve with their lifespan. We’re told from many sources that anyone can achieve anything […] along with that is a kind of spirit of equality, we’re all basically equal,” he said.
He added: “I think it would be very unusual for anyone here to be envious of the Queen of England. Even though she is much richer than any of you are, and she’s got a very large house, the reason why we don’t envy her is because she’s too weird […] we can’t relate to her, and when you can’t relate to somebody, you don’t envy them.”
Comparing ourselves to others is a natural response, but research shows that people who regularly compare themselves to others are more likely to experience feelings of dissatisfaction, guilt, or remorse, and engage in destructive behaviours.
The advice never to go to your school reunion is tongue-in-cheek and perhaps a bit extreme. Awareness is the key to understanding how a school reunion might bring up mixed feelings, and making sure you focus on the positive – enjoying catching up and re-connecting with old friends, rather than comparing yourself to others.