My daughter told me about a wonderful phone call she had with a friend last weekend, and it reminded me of a period a few years ago when she decided to ‘take a stand’. She was sick and tired of always being the one to initiate activities with friends. Invariably it was she who invited them for coffee, who sent the first ‘hi, how are you’ after a few months, or who suggested a phone call. She was a teenager at the time and very ah, decisive.. and she decided she had had enough! So she sat tight and waited for them to come to her.
And guess what happened? Some weeks later, she was complaining of being lonely after having had very few calls or activities with friends. No one had got in touch off their own bat, and the situation hadn’t improved after a few weeks. She was definitely taking a stand, but she had realised that the only person it was hurting was her.
In the end she gave in, sent out a stream of messages and calls, and what do you know everyone was delighted! She hadn’t suddenly become extremely unpopular, it was just that nobody had thought to initiate a plan. I don’t think it was just because they were used to her doing it either, as she told me this even applied to new friends who had not been used to her reaching out.
Talking to her about this recently, my daughter said she is now resigned to more often than not being the person who asks for a catch-up. There are some exceptions of course, but it is still usually her, and she no longer feels any resentment about it. We had an interesting discussion about boundaries though, as within the family she has noticed that I deliberately avoid organising all our family calls and events, which everyone usually expects will fall to me. My three children are all adults now, and I expect them to do some of the organising as well. The difference is that these are regular calls, so it's a matter of confirming a time each week rather than suggesting the call in the first place. As an equivalent, my daughter finds herself being the one to suggest catch-ups with friends, but then asking them to choose a time and place as a way of sharing the task of organisation.
Sometimes standing your ground is absolutely the right thing, but sometimes the only person you’re harming is yourself. My daughter had a lovely call with an old friend she hadn’t spoken to in several years at the weekend. Guess who organised it?